(theonion.com) - Lazy nation fears Obama will create millions of jobs.
(theonion.com) - If you don't understand after this, then you just don't know good science from bad science and how they are both different and good at the same time.
(theonion.com) - Back with their respective teams after a second disappointing showing in the World Baseball Classic, Team USA expressed relief to be playing for money again instead of the national pride that supposedly motivates them in the international tournament. "It really feels good to get back to being tangibly compensated for More...
(theonion.com) - Another good video entry from The Onion.
(theonion.com) - The Bobcats' locker room exploded with joy and relief Sunday when coach Larry Brown informed the team that they had defied expectations by squeaking into the National Invitational Tournament and would face off against Division 2 powerhouse West Virginia in the first round.
(theonion.com) - "The Large Earth Collider will surely gain us priceless scientific insight by offering a brief glimpse of the universe at the moment of its destruction," Fermilab director Gordon Josephs said. "But because the Collider achieves this by hurdling Earth into another large celestial object, there are some who feel the More...
(theonion.com) - Dallas head coach Wade Phillips speculated Wednesday that if recent history is any indicator, Jerry Jones is "almost certainly" considering the option of signing former Falcons quarterback and current incarcerated felon Michael Vick to the Cowboys.
(theonion.com) - Hot on the heels of last week's FDA approval, on Monday PepsiCo subsidiary Taco Bell launched its controversial "morning after" burrito, a zesty, Mexican-style entree that prevents unwanted pregnancies if ingested within 36 hours following intercourse.
Obama Revises Campaign Promise Of 'Change' To 'Relatively Minor Readjustments In Certain Favorable Policy Areas'
(theonion.com) - In a slight shift from his campaign trail promise, President Obama announced Monday that his administration's message of "Change" has been modified to the somewhat more restrained slogan "Relatively Minor Readjustments in Certain Favorable Policy Areas." "Today, Americans face a great many challenges, and I hear your desperate calls for More...
(theonion.com) - Network news cameras covering Barack Obama's inauguration ceremony Tuesday captured Hillary Clinton silently moving her lips along with each word of the minute-long presidential oath of office.
(theonion.com) - Moments after having their shuttle launch delayed, Discovery astronauts complained once again Monday about John Wilkins—that annoying little program manager who insists on every detail of every space mission being exactly right.
(theonion.com) - As part of a new program designed to encourage reading, President Barack Obama visited a kindergarten class Monday to read the schoolchildren a 200-page memorandum on health care reform.
(theonion.com) - "Which ultimately means that we are caught in some kind of cosmic lie," O'Neal added. "All my efforts to create a Shaqtopia were for naught."
(theonion.com) - Amid the bleak backdrop of imminent economic collapse, worried observers got some good news last October when executives from the nation's top 10 failing companies celebrated the historic $700 billion government bailout with an ultra- extravagant $800 billion party aimed at restoring confidence and bolstering their resolve.
(theonion.com) - President to offer dry brush if fire will stop burning activities.
(theonion.com) - The whole thing just seems like a terrible, terrible dream.
(theonion.com) - Toshiro Tenchumaru, a 34-year-old ninja and longtime employee at Azuma Copier Corporation in Skokie, stealthily took the lives of 12 co-workers Monday after suffering what investigators theorize was "a breakdown due to job-related stress."